JOURNAL

What Is Trust?

What is trust? Can you answer that?

Is it about forcing yourself to not worry over every little thing? Is it about being less emotional and anxious? Or is it about finding your groove and letting life happen however it chooses?

I have a background of trust issues, and when I first started dating my [now] husband, I had a giant list of reasons I couldn’t let my heart fully trust him. None of the things on the list had anything to do with him; he had never once given me a reason to not trust him. But I could not seem to let myself feel the peace that comes from trusting him with everything that I am.

I created reasons in my head (based on things that had happened to me in the past) about why it was too scary to let my guard down. I told myself it wouldn’t be worth the pain if I opened up and then got hurt yet again. I was no fun to be around during this phase, and thank goodness I’ve made giant leaps since then. Because it was awful. I hated the ups and downs of wanting to give my heart to someone but at the same time feeling trapped in this prison of mental sickness that tricked me into thinking it wouldn’t be worth it.

Lately, I’ve been noticing that I tend to do the same thing with God. It’s less obvious, because I think it’s more culturally acceptable to want to stay in control of your life instead of giving that up to [especially] an unseen being.

But the weakness is there, and it’s consistently difficult for me to completely and fully trust that He will take care of me. Here’s a huge example of something that happened recently:

I’ve been driving a mammoth diesel truck that my in-laws have kindly lent to me for over two years. While I was thankful for having wheels to get me around town, and I will forever be grateful for their generosity, I did not enjoy driving this particular type of vehicle. It’s not really “Saty-sized,” if you know what I mean. Everybody else in Eastern Oregon thought this truck was the coolest thing ever, but I did not.

After two years, I was tired of driving something that didn’t belong to me and that required a three step process to open and latch the driver side door. So we started looking for a new-to-us car in August of 2018, much to my excitement. We had absolutely no luck.

We researched everywhere within our state and even parts of the surrounding states for a mid sized SUV style car that fit within our strict [and apparently small] budget. We knew what we wanted, and that’s what made it so difficult; because it just didn’t exist. Or so it seemed.

Fast forward to December. At this point, I was so tired of researching and scouring craigslist and CarGurus that I was about to give up. Maybe I was destined to drive the giant borrowed truck forever. Finally, we decided to wait until our Christmas break trip to Yuma, AZ, where it seemed like the prime location to find a gently used AWD vehicle at a bargain. If you don’t know, Yuma is a town where people who don’t like the cold go in the winter. A lot of old retired people go here, and I thought this would be perfect, since they are probably always upgrading their vehicles.

We were in Yuma for a week and a half, and found n. o. t. h. i. n. g.

Hardly anything worth our time, and needless to say, I was discouraged by the end of it. Mostly because at the end of that week and a half, I knew we were flying out of the country to Colombia for a month, and I’d have to start all over when I got home.

So, we land in Colombia on New Years Eve, exhausted from our overnight flight. We finally get to our hotel, and while I was freshening up, Jordan signed in to the Wifi.

He had a text from his mom (who we were visiting in Yuma) saying that she found a vehicle we might be interested in. She also said that she had already bought it, followed with “If you don’t want it, I would be completely happy keeping it, but if you want to buy it from me when you get back, it’s yours.”

I laughed.

I laughed because that’s just like God to wait until I’m helpless in another country more than 3,000 miles away to provide a car that almost perfectly fit our strict guidelines. AND at a way cheaper price than our budget cap. Only for sale the day after we left.

There’s no way that couldn’t have been God. You guys have no idea how much anxiety I had knowing that I was to leave the country empty handed. I should have just trusted His timing from the beginning, because it would have saved a lot of stress. It’s hard to remember to trust Him in those moments that look impossibly hopeless. But He knows. To answer the question in the title of this post, trust is believing. It’s believing that there is better out there even when it seems impossible. It’s believing that God is in control even when life is chaotic and overwhelming.

I told a friend the other day: God is so big, so good, and so capable. Now I just need to remember that myself, even in the unknown. God has never given us a reason to not trust Him, and His peace is the best there is. I challenge you to try it this coming week.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13

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1 Comment

  • Reply
    Jennifer
    March 4, 2019 at 7:55 pm

    Love this post! It is a great reminder that we need to trust God for all of our needs and it is in his time not ours. I struggle with this as well and will be meditating on this verse for a reminder!

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